Help!!!! I want to be Esther Howland

When I went back to college at the age of 28 I went back to make myself a better person.  I was lucky enough to major in Art.  Through majoring in Art I was able to  explore my life and meaning through creativity.  I was trying to get pregnant at the time and it was my savior.  It let me learn how I had a yearning that was deep inside and needed to be nurtured.  I worked two part time jobs and graduated.  Continued working those jobs and had surgery, we traveled cross country several times that year and finally were able to have a family with Ian and Kaylyn joining our family the next year.

I became passionate for paper at the same time. I was working at Crabtree & Evelyn in Spring Lake at the time.  I loved the owner who has since died. She was my mentor.  She had a family and was able to combine the two.  Under the counter she left books and magazines.  I devoured them.  They were positive, inspiring, beautiful and very influential in  what I still love today.  The magazines were Victoria and Martha Stewart.  The books were Alexandra Steward's Living a Beautiful Life.  I fell in love with old victorian design in Valentines, scrapbooks,  advertising and greeting cards.  

  I started collecting victorian scrap about this time.  I had to collect something.....it was and is my nature.  My dad collected rocks and later became consumed by them.  I know, again this was my nature, but never wanted to be consumed by it.  Glen encouraged my love for this when I was a young mother and two of these instances I remember with great fondness.  Once when we went to New Hope together with the twins in their car seats he saw a sign for a shop.  He dropped me off and rode around while I walked into a dream come true for me.  It was a whole store full of just Victorian Scrap.  I had $20 cash and was only able to buy a few pieces.  I was told they just sold their entire collection to John Grossman and I was lucky because they were to close the next month.  The other time was an entire collection of Victorian reproduction papers were up for Auction at Allaire Airport.  It was Judith Winslow's  Papers, a company I was very familiar with.  Back then I would collect catalogues of product of what I would carry in a store, if I ever opened one.  It was the week before Mother's Day and Glen gave me $60 to spend on whatever I wanted.  I ended up buying boxes of papers, that I still sell today.  

 So, now I have a store in Asbury Park.  I work full time commuting to Woodbridge.  I bought the above picture at a flea market in Woodbridge.  It was a picture from Victorian times and etched is the photographer's name and location in Asbury Park.  I try to spend my time as much as possible making cards for the shop.  I have a vision of what I want, again.  But, again time, money and most of all doubt are stopping me.  It is a romance I have with the past that haunts me, but still influences me day by day.  It is the dream of the American spirit.  It is a dream not be Esther Howland, but a modern day version of her.  The dream of making a living  by doing what you love.  You either work for someone else and get a paycheck each week.  This is practical, realistic and probable.  Or you take that Leap of Faith and hope you can make a go of it.  Right now, it is best for me to do both.  I am looking forward  to next year, where I feel I still can combine my job and my shop to feed a  yearning to have my cake and eat it too.  Do you want to know who Esther Howland is? You can read about her by clicking here.

The calling cards pictured above I purchased at a flea market at Barnes Art Foundation in Woodbridge.  One day I went to work an hour early just to ride through and see what Barnes Art Foundation looked like.  They had a flea market that day.  I was looking for and bought a few records  I saw a sandwich bag of calling cards and asked how much.  He told me $2 and I said for each one and he said no the whole bag!!!!  They are pictured with a project I had made at Creative Escape.  It is a business card holder and I thought it was perfect to hold my calling cards.

Better Days Are Coming!

When I bought this CD after my twins were born, it was a rebirth for me personally.  I had been married for nine years.  Was working very hard.  Owned a house which we rented out and then rented one we could live in.  Sounds a little weird but,  we worked really hard to get pregnant.  Getting very personal here, but it was quite the journey, and I was  put through the ringer.  I had surgery and was on some pretty heavy duty fertility drugs.......for years.  When I did get pregnant it was with twins which was joyful but, a lot of pressure to make everything perfect for them.  My pregnancy was actually not so bad.  But, I don't think anyone really knew how worried I was.  I at the same time was very assured that we were going to have perfect boy and girl twins and all would be well.
By this time nothing musically was setting my heart on fire, either.  So, when I was in the car driving the twins around this was the CD of choice for me.  Glen and I were pretty funny with the twins also as instead of holding their arms and not doing "so big", we grabbed their arms and said "we will rock you".  We would play that song by Queen a lot and have them sit on our laps and rock their little arms. They would smile and giggle....such great memories.
Ian and Kaylyn were always the entertainers for us.  We were happy to all sit down for dinner at home every night and let the show begin.  We always shared good conversation and most meals ended with Kaylyn and Ian leaving the table and going to the kitchen and whispering back and forth.  They would come to the entry to the dining room and the show would begin.  One would do the introduction and they would sing, dance or tell a joke.  It was the best!!!!
So, one day I came home from work and Ian, had pulled out the CD "Better Days".  He looked at me and said:  " Mom this is good stuff...why don't you ever listen to it?".  I wanted to blurt out "I listened to lullabies, cartoons, disney movies FOR YOU that's why"  But, I didn't I just stood there amazed and said: " it is good stuff....I am REALLY glad you like it!"  Years went by and we would listen to the NOW cds which seemed to make everyone in the car happy.
Fast forward to life in 2014.....well yesterday.  I am totally exhausted.  Working six days in a row, but knowing I get to go to Chicago for four days with my daughter and go see Ian perform with The Toasters.  Yesterday I had a waitressing dream and I haven't waitressed in 30 years.  I wake up early and tired flip open the computer to see it is going to rain all day today and tomorrow.  My back is killing me and every joint in my body hurts because of the rain.  The dog is whining to go out.  I put my feet on the ground and they are swollen and sore.  Oh my God, my head is light.  I rush to get out the door, not bringing my lunch for the first time in five days, but knowing I need to leave early because the commute is always worse in the rain.  I get to the parkway and well......they don't call it the "Garden State Parking Lot" for nothing.  I pay the first toll and I know it is going to be a good day.  A bad day is when I realize I just paid $1.50 for a 50 cent toll.
I start thinking about how relaxed Glen looked after spending a few day in Florida to see my son.  I think it is ok.....I will be in Chicago in a few days and that should be fun.  I think about all the great vibes we have with our business Greetings from Geralyn.  I think about what a busy and crazy day it was the day before and it would be just a day to get our departments back in shape. And then, it happens  music karma!!!!  One song after another telling me everything is going to get better.  I actually am sitting in traffic in the driving rain and decide to take a little video so I am sure to remember this.  I feel music can get me out of any funk I am in.  I mean really listen to the words to this song!!!!  Steve Van Zandt is one of the best songwriters!!!!!!   Remember it is pouring rain as I am listening to this:

I had the craziest dream last night
There was thunder and lightning everywhere
Hell hounds reached up and ripped a hole in the sky
Pissed in the water and spit black smoke up in the air

Demons were chasin' me all tattooed
In dollar signs, suits and ties
They wanted me to party
I woke up just in time, I heard somebody say

Better days are comin'
We're gonna wake up and break this curse
Better days are on the way 'cause you know and I know
It can't get no worse

Sometimes the dream seems so real
Comes to me over and over again
Last night I swear I saw America sleepin' in the streets
When does this nightmare end?

I got to find my baby
Maybe I'll find salvation in her kiss
Tell me I'm dreamin', it's got to get better than this
I want somebody to say

Better days are comin'
We're gonna wake up and break this curse
Better days are on the way 'cause you know and I know
It can't get no worse, no

I believe I see a train comin' baby
I know it's time to take a ride
Shattered dreams and broken promises
We gotta leave 'em all behind
'Cause you know

We're gonna catch that train, baby
We're gonna catch that train, baby
We're gonna catch that train
I know we're gonna catch that train
I know we're gonna catch that train
Whoa yeah

Better days are comin'
We're gonna wake up and break this curse
Better days are on the way 'cause you know and I know
It can't get no worse
It can't get no worse

Better days are comin'

Read more: Southside Johnny And The Asbury Jukes - Better Days Lyrics | MetroLyrics 


I heard this and then "I am a Patriot" and then "Mr Grey".  I had never heard the song "Mr Grey before and found that song really amusing....quite the little story with a horrible ending but, very entertaining.  
Well, I got through this very tough week with a little help from my friends(MY MUSIC).  Getting on board that train to do it all again in the Land of Hope and Dreams..........this train, baby!!!!

Turning 55 Reflections

My gift was tickets to see Fleetwood Mac at Madison Square Garden with my husband, daughter and son.

So, listening to music from when you turned 18, sharing the moment with your family could be one of the best feelings ever.  Do you ever think of when you were young and wondered what you would be like when you are old?  I would wonder if I would be like my mother.  I wondered if I would be in pain.  I wondered if I would be restless or settled.  I wondered where I would be living.  Well, most of all I wondered if there really were happily ever afters to the fairy tales.  I wondered if I would have a family.  Would I be fat or skinny, wrinkled and gray?
When I turned 18 I was also old enough to drink.  This brought a certain amount of freedom.  I didn't take the college path right after high school.  I worked in a restaurant and was able to buy my own car.  My girlfriends and I would love to go to the local bars and listen to the local bands.  We knew we were listening to talented musicians and we danced almost every night of the week to a different band.  Bands like Courteous Drivers, Bystander, Fresh, Holme and Cats on a Smooth Surface.  Most of these bands ended the night with the Lynyrd Sknyrd song "Freebird".  When I met Glen we continued on dancing and ending almost every night dancing to "Freebird".   Four years later we were engaged.  I remember the first time we danced to "Freebird" as an engaged couple.  My thoughts were not the same......my mind was racing with  thoughts  of marriage and would I still really be free or "tied down" or trapped.  I was young but, I was giving it a lot of thought.  So, onward we sailed and I have to say after 32 years of marriage I feel better then I ever imagined.  I even look at pictures from ten years ago and feel I look and feel  better then ten years ago .  WOW!  What a great feeling.  So, this birthday most of all  I want to  thank my husband for still making me feel like a "freebird".......the best feeling in the world!

Take Time to Refind What You Love

At noon I had the decision to go to the pool or go to the beach.  Only one week left of summer, so I decided to go to the beach.  I went to get a daily badge and found a really cool store: http://www.Refind43.com/ I bought a necklace with a key and she wrapped it in blue and white fabric with twine(pictured on the left).  I walked to the beach and the only thing between the beach and my car was a trail of petunias and hydrangeas.  I read part of my book....the best part so far, found some sea glass, cooled off in the ocean and stared at the sand so long it started to sparkle.  Got back into the car and heard the song "People Have the Power" by Patty Smith.  I thought we sure do!  We have the power to make or break our own day.  I am so glad I made the decision to go to the beach.  Then driving right towards me was a Volkswagen bus the color of the sea glass in the picture above(the one on bottom right) It was that color and white and all the silver was shining and there was one of those huge racks on top for suitcases.  I did a heavy swoon and gave the driver a thumbs up.  So, I guess I am having a pretty good day so far!

Pleasant Valley Sunday

So, with the vacations over for the summer, I am trying to make the most of every single day off I have.  I think of all the things I want to do, and see if I can accomplish it.  I was reading about the Lavender Farm about twenty minutes from my home and realized I could fit that in with a trip to the food store.  

 Avie was very helpful telling me the  about the English and French lavender and how to take care of them once I took them home.  I plan on planting them close to the entry of our home.

Since, the idea of moving was planted back in my head about ten years ago, I stopped buying a lot of things.  It has always helped my mood and was pretty hard for me to do.  So, really back when Boscov's closed in 2008 and we knew eventually we were putting the house on the market, I started selling my things and downsizing.  Now, that I am back to work full time I like to indulge in buying something here and there.  I bought the beautiful Laura Ashley quilt a few weeks ago, and took a picture with some of the lavender I bought.  I bought a lavender spray for the store, too.  It really was a treat, and my favorite part was the scent of the air as the  wind blew.  Lavender always reminded me of my grandmother.  It also reminded me of when I worked at Crabtree & Evelyn or  the soap store as my kids referred to it.  Nancy, the owner, had huge jars of lavender and when residents moved back into their summer homes they would fill up bags to help with the musty smell of being closed all winter.  I am thrilled there is a Lavender farm in New Jersey and that Carole King's song Pleasant Valley Sunday was written for the Monkee's in New Jersey.  So much to be proud of without looking very hard.

Thank you for sending a thank you!

Thoughtful Tuesday here to share a few thoughts.  I have a strong belief system in how you think is how you feel.  I believe in vacations no matter how happy you are in a job.  Your mind and body need some time to rest and relax.  I still can't believe how well my vacation went.  I never wrote down, but I did tell a co-worker, when I sat down in my car to go to my first day back to work, the radio was playing Lighthouse by Ziggy Marley.  I smiled all the way on my commute to work, even when I was stuck in traffic on the Driscoll bridge.  Sometimes, if we can take the most simple things and be grateful for them, it will get you through the toughest time.

I am so grateful we were able to open our store in Convention Hall this summer.  It is challenging to work full time and have the store and not burn out.  I am so grateful to my husband, daughter and her friend Katie who have carried the weight of working at the store.  I am so grateful we are having beautiful weather this summer, because that is the most important part of having business in our store.  I am so grateful to our customers, who tell us how cool we are.  I am so grateful for channel 12 news for featuring our store.  If there is anything I would have wished for this summer would be something on TV to share what my husband makes and they covered it beautifully.  I am thankful for our customers who, still send cards in the mail.  I am thankful for our customers who still play records or appreciate the beauty of them enough to hang them on the wall as a clock.  I am thankful  to all the Bruce, Frank Sinatra, BonJovi fans who make pilgramages to places like Asbury Park, Red Bank and Hoboken.  I am thankful for my son playing in bands and enjoying music so much.  I am grateful to the Billy Walton Band whose music soothes my soul every week and all the friends and family of the members who make us feel like part of a family.  I am grateful both my children have started full time work.  And last but not least I am thanking someone who sent me  a thank you.  Just putting it out there, never knowing whether she will get my thank you for her thank you.  It has been said in proper etiquette there is no need to thank someone for a thank you.  But, isn't that silly?  Our lives are so busy, what is wrong with that?  I appreciate anyone who still takes the time to write an handwritten note.  Ok, now I can't stop but, I am thankful I am still writing a blog since, I have started in 2008.  It goes to show how much I enjoy it and it helps me immensely.  

Final thought is I am thankful for ebay for making buying items so easy.  It gives the opportunity to having a garage sale at your finger tips at all times.  I am looking forward to when I have more time in January to give it more of a chance to sell items.  I tried it and had a little success.  It was really fun.  But, I am always afraid I am too busy and  I won't have the follow through.  I am looking forward to selling more on it next year. 

The Promised Land

So, my vacation I wanted to document a trip to the seven coastal lighthouses in New Jersey.  I am so proud to have finished the goal and document it through words and pictures.  What I wish I could bottle up and share is the serendipity of moments of the trip.  I was able to do this on facebook, but as I would write on the blog some time would go by and the excitement would have fizzled.  But, lately the song I have heard on the radio, (especially on my vacation) would coincide with everything I was seeing.  It was crazy!!!!  I really loved it.  It was as if I had this secret companion.  This support system that seemed to know exactly what I needed to hear at the exact time I was seeing something.....what an amazing.....amazing feeling.  And one that I was feeling all by myself.  Sometimes I feel the need of having company to enjoy life.  But, I am really terrible when I feel the NEED to have a companion all of the time.  It is relaxing for me to just be myself and just soak all the moments in and breath out with no conversation.  This post is celebrating that.
  The last leg of my journey included the Twin Lighthouses in Atlantic Highlands and the Lighthouse in Sandy Hook.  I became totally distracted by Fort Hancock.  It is so haunting to me.  Of course, there would be some attachment to Bruce Springsteen as he just filmed his newest video there called:  Hunter of Invisible Games.  As I watched the video I knew I had seen the backround before.  But, as I am driving by I am listening to a concert.  He starts talking about Asbury Park.....I didn't write it down.....damn.  But, hopefully I will figure it out....it was a July 27th concert I think the 2003 one and it is a nice shout out to Asbury Park and how the Art World is helping with the rising and for the concert goers to support the city....he dedicates this song as I am riding by the empty officers houses...I decide to video tape it, so I hope by this time you can really feel how truly amazing this journey was, full of serendipity.  I feel such an attachment with the Jersey Shore and want only the best for it.  I have a hard time with the politics of what is happening, but have only high hopes that everyone involved with the future of coastline is that it will all be for the good.  And, that means for all to enjoy and a true reflection of what our country is all about.  I want people (tourists) to come back and enjoy all that New Jersey offers including Atlantic City.  I want us to rise up and move forward, not backwards.  Let's think of what is going to waste and what is being enjoyed.

 This is a Sunday afternoon.....beautiful day.

 Ironic........the twin lighthouses were the end of my journey.  Just like my life.......my children who are twins are the enrichment in my life.

And, so worth when you would actually make the venture up the stairs.  The views and vista was well worth making your legs a little sore and wobbly.  So, a lot of little life lessons learned here at my Jersey
Ger's Lighthouse tour of the shore.  Most of all, the promise you make to yourself is the most important promise to fulfill.  Then if you are in a position to  promise  others, be prepared to  never promise anything you can not fulfill........the feeling is never worth it.  I will pray for all the caretakers, members of the government, landowners and anyone else who make promises.......  be the best for our Jersey Shore and keep your promises.